Pearls

The need to change usually happens in response to escalating discomfort: a job becomes unbearable, the trust drains out of a relationship, or we can no longer pretend that we are “okay.” Unfortunately, discomfort is usually necessary for us to change—when life is cozy we want to nestle up in its comfort and snooze the day away—like my cat Wilbur does in his favorite fuzzy blue blanket.

Gregg Levoy, in his book Callings, addresses this process of growth and change. Levoy cites Nobel Prize winner Ilya Prigogine’s work on “dissipative structures.” The theory maintains that “…friction is a fundamental property of nature and nothing grows without it—not mountains, not pearls, and not people.” But when we are deep in the discomfort, it’s easy to feel a little lost about how to make the necessary changes. People often seek therapy for this reason.  

As a psychologist, people ask me, “How does change happen?” My response is “Change happens by taking a million small steps and all of a sudden you look back and realize that your life has gotten better.” My responsibility as a therapist is to understand what changes people desire, offer tools to support the process, recognize the million small steps taken along the way, and string them together like beads on a necklace. Then clients can see and celebrate their progress along the way. 

Researchers Prochaska and DiClementi identified 6 stages of change, and seeing where we are at (or stuck) can be a helpful part of moving forwards.

Precontemplation: we don’t even know we have to change—other people around us may be annoyed by something we are doing, or a negative consequence happens but it seems like “bad luck.”

Contemplation: we are starting to feel a little uncomfortable…too many hangovers, too many fights, overwhelming dread about going to work. But there is still much back-and-forth. Some days we feel motivated and other days are blue-blanket-snoozing kind of days. Therapy often helps a lot in this phase.

Preparation: we have made a plan and are getting ready to take some action, likely within the next few weeks.

Action: we are actively changing—beginning to exercise, study more, go to bed earlier to get better sleep, spending to a budget, interviewing, or having the break-up conversation. And we are on a roll, racking up some small victories along the way.

Maintenance: the change has lasted about 6 months and relapse into old habits is less likely. We are emotionally separated from a partner, exercising regularly, getting to all our classes, or starting a new job.

Termination: we have moved beyond the change. Often, this is a time to celebrate and consolidate the growth that happened through intentional, hard work. We can add a “bead” to the necklace of our life experiences.

So if you are deep in the discomfort of change, trust that there is a process happening for you to make the next pearl.

Fragility and Determination

I’ve always loved butterflies and their enchanting, ruffled beauty. I live in a community of houses with signs identifying certain front yards as “Monarch Way Stations” meaning they have gardens stocked with milkweed and nectar sources to support the butterflies breeding and migration. As a result, the neighborhood is full of butterflies basking in sunlight and riding the breezes, like tourists who descend on popular beach towns and fill the open hotel rooms with joyous summer seashore play.

But these ethereal creatures are also troopers, traveling hundreds of miles back and forth to Mexico in their yearly migration patterns: fragility and determination coexisting in their life story.

It is our human story as well, one echoed in the roots of the word “psychology” and “psychotherapy.” The root of the word “psychology” is from the Greek words psyche meaning soul or spirit, and logos meaning to study. “Psychotherapy” has a similar etymology with therapia meaning healing. So, the practice of psychology is concerned with addressing both the wounds and the dreams of the spirit and soul, as we feel compelled to follow our own migratory destinies.

Perhaps the Greeks understood this intimate connection, as they also used the word psyche to signify a butterfly. It was thought that butterflies may be the souls of humans—a belief shared by many other cultures who revere the butterfly and their mysterious transformation from earthly caterpillar to ethereal being. 

When I see a butterfly, I am reminded to honor the spirit and soul in our journey on this earth. Yes, we need to attend to our mind and all its malfunctions, our behavior and all its dysfunctions, but don’t forget the magical part of you that is built for transformation and flight.